Hello everyone and a happy (late) new year!
2014 was an overall solid year for movies in general, I
would even argue that it was the best cinematic year we’ve had so far this
decade. Multiple great directors
released great new films this year, and a few new talents revealed themselves
(or rather, re-established themselves.) even the coming Oscars is less
predictable then the Oscars usually are simply because there are so many great
movies that are totally worthy of best picture that it’s insane.
But alas. Here at Atchley-O-Saurus
movies the time has not yet come to celebrate all of the great things that came
about this cinematic year. No, today the
wanton bile cravings of the internet have dictated that I must re-live all of
the most unpleasant cinematic experiences I’ve had over the past year. That’s right folks, it’s time to look at the
Top 5 Worst Movies of 2014; a few disclaimers, and then we’ll begin.
Disclaimer One: This
is all my opinion.
Disclaimer Two: If I
didn’t see a movie, then it doesn’t make it on here. I’ve seen almost one-hundred theatrical
releases, and that’s not even close to everything. If you saw something particularly awful feel
free to comment or email me about it.
Disclaimer Three:
There are no more disclaimers.
Now on to the list!
#5. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
The Amazing Spider-Man 1 was by no means a masterpiece, but
it looks like Citizen Kane compared to its sequel. Clearly directors and writers collectively stopped
caring about half way through their respective jobs, because this one of the
laziest super-hero flicks I have seen in a long time.
The characters don’t make any sense, the plot doesn’t make
any sense, and worst of all: the movie never gets you to care enough about
these characters to give a flying flip. When the movie ended I just sat there
in the theater baffled about how many things they just didn’t bother to do
story-wise. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 isn’t
the interesting kind of bad; the only interesting thing about it is how a
studio could spend over a hundred-million dollars on a flick and care so little
about the end product.
#4. Sabotage
Arnold Schwarzenegger has been trying to rejuvenate his
career as of late. He started with The
Last Stand which I thought was . . . one of the best straight-up action movies
in recent memory.
Then he starred in Escape Plan which was totally . . . a
pretty fun piece of 80’s-style entertainment.
The point I’m trying to make here is that I had high hopes
for Sabotage, Schwarzenegger had been sufficiently entertaining me to this
point. Yet my high hopes were dashed by
bizarre direction from the usually talented David Ayer, who has created his
career worst with this Schwarzenegger vehicle.
The films plot is wandering, monotonous and pointless, the
violence is unnecessarily harsh and there is no real protagonist or antagonist
to be seen. The ending is supposed to be
a gasp-inducing twist, but the filmmakers are lucky if they get even a fart out
of their audience. You’ll notice that
almost all of the movies on this list are action-oriented, but out of all of
them Sabotage understands least what being an action movie means.
#3. The Other Woman
The Other Woman takes an admittedly interesting premise and
somehow transforms it into one of the most unbearably painful chick-flicks I’ve
ever seen. I actually don’t usually mind
romance movies to much, but this was just terrible.
I’m not even sure I can properly describe to you the way
this movie fails as a story, as a film and even as a cruddy piece of wish-fulfillment. I know that I’m not the demographic for this
flick, but frankly I don’t care, women out on a girls-night should get the same
level of quality as the people in the next theater watching Captain America
2.
These characters are not likable. This plot is nonsensical. If you learn anything from this list let it
be that a movie without a flowing plot and follow able characters is barely a
film at all: It’s a ninety minute
torture device. The Other Woman may not
quite be the worst movie I saw this year, but it is by far the one that ticked
me of the most.
#2. The Legend of Hercules
In the risk of sounding like a broken record; this movie is
nonsensical and boring. This was the
first movie I saw in 2014, and it disappointed in a big way. The Legend of Hercules was probably a quick
production made with the attempt to profit off of an upcoming big studio piece
(namely the Dwayne Johnson vehicle that came out a few months later,) and it
feels just as dull and lazy as that implies.
The way the movie is written, it is supposed to be the “true
story” of the legend behind the character Hercules, and the unfortunate result
is that it doesn’t actually feel like a Hercules movie. Not only is it not at all entertaining, but
it also fails to live up to its basic premise.
Out of all the Hercules movies I’ve seen, this is definitely the worst.
#1. Transformers: Age of Extinction
You are reading the words of a card carrying
Bay-Transformers hater, and even I had some hope for the fourth entry in the
series. New protagonist? Dinobots?
Stanley
Tucci? Enough of the evidence told
audiences that Bays fourth Transformers flick might be worth checking out; but
those same audiences were lead astray.
Even through all of that cautious optimism I think in the
back of my head I knew that this movie would be somewhat terrible, but I had no
Idea what I had gotten into.
Transformers 4 is by far the worst movie I saw all
year. The movie not only submits its
audience to a barrage of pointless annoying garbage, it does so for over three
hours! I have not seen a movie that so
accurately duplicate emotional trauma sense . . . well, sense the other
Transformers movies!
This movie was not only difficult to watch, it was kind of
painful to watch in its entirety. There
is no part of me that thinks its okay that an action movie about giant robots
is harder to watch then Salo or Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. I sincerely hope that they do not make
another one.
Thanks for reading! If you have your own list you want to share, feel free to comment or email me at atchleyosaurus@gmail.com. Check back in the coming weeks for more fun movie stuff, and my Top 5 Best Movies of 2014!
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