The whole point of Fifty Shades of Grey is sex. That tells me that it’s basically just
glorified pornography; but that is hardly the case. Never before have I thought it possible for a
movie to both contain way too much sex, and simultaneously be totally sexless. Despite it’s erotic subject matter, Fifty
Shades of Grey has no pulse.
The movies physical failings are only a small part of what
makes it suck. If I had thought the
movie would just be a series of sedate sex sequences I wouldn’t have bothered;
but based on the nation-wide success of the book from which it is based, I made
the assumption that there was some kind of intriguing story behind all the hullabaloo. People like me, who are curious for some
unique controversial storytelling, will be sorely disappointed.
Fifty Shades of Grey is boring. I have no idea how they made a movie about
taboo sex boring, but they found a way. The
two leads are as awkwardly un-intriguing as humanly possible, and their plot and
conflict barely exist. This movie could
be summed up without losing any nuance in five minutes; yet it’s runtime goes
well over two hours. It has zero stakes,
zero conflict; and the result is that it elicits zero interest from its
audience. It isn’t even offensive or
shocking; I at least expected this movie to be offensively bad, but it’s just
endlessly dull.
And did I mention the script? Because the script is awful; cartoonishly
awful. Imagine a giant corn baking corn
inside of an oven made of corn, and you may get an inkling of how corny the Fifty
Shades of Grey dialogue is. Imagine a
flat-line and an obnoxious beeping noise, and you’ll get an idea of how ineffective
and annoying the Fifty Shades of Grey plotline is. I hear tell that they cut out large chunks of
the book for the film adaptation, and thank goodness that they did; I don’t
think I could have withstood anymore of this terrible movie script.
When a movie has a bad script and dreary direction only one
thing can save it: The acting. Yet Fifty Shades of Grey has some Razzy worth
performances. They could have replaced
Jamie Dorman, the guy who plays the male lead, with a board of wood and some
great abs and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. The other actors hardly knock it out of the
park either. Dakota Johnson admittedly
had her good moments; but she also had some really crummy moments, especially
when she was trying to pretend like she had any chemistry at all with dumb and
dull Dornan.
The only way I can think of even attempting to enjoy “50
Shades” is ironically. Bring some
friends, make some jokes and you might have a jolly old time. That, however, was not how this movie was
intended to be viewed; it was meant to be taken seriously. So it fails.
I cannot think of a less romantic, less appealing romance for anyone to
watch. It’s basically just a Twilight
remake but with BDSM; and that is just as painful as it sounds.
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